wife not interested in sex

Perhaps the biggest complaint of married men (and the biggest fear of engaged men) is that their wives are not interested in sex. This leads to the idea that, consequently, marriage is a lust-less, libido-less, children-filled road to one’s eventual demise. It’s just not true guys.

As stated in previous articles, research shows that married couples actually have more sex and better quality sex than single people. However, along with marriage does come the occasional dip in sexy time.

You see each other at all hours, you’re sharing financial and emotional ups and downs, what do you expect? Instead of dreading and complaining, look at your wife’s supposed “lack of interest” in sex as an opportunity to grow in your marriage.

Here are the top 5 reasons your wife may not be interested in sex and what you can do about it:

1) She thinks YOU’RE tired/not up for it

No, pigs are not flying right now. I really just said this. And it’s true. Men seem to belabor the notion that women rarely initiate sex because they aren’t in the mood. Well, sometimes we aren’t; BUT this can go both ways.

When you come home, toss your tie away, gripe about traffic, snap at the dog for getting in the way and clam up, we get under the impression that YOU are tired and not in the mood. OF COURSE we aren’t going to try to initiate it. Deep down we know you are probably always up for it, but we don’t want to be disrespectful by taking you away from that stack of work you have on your desk. Your time and energy is important to us and we don’t want to get you riled up if it means your job or sleep schedule will suffer.

The FIX: I’m not saying you can’t vent about your work but give her some signals to let her know that while you’re probably exhausted you wouldn’t mind some romantic roughhousing. Tell her that you missed her, or give her a sensual hug. When she gets a subtle green light then she’ll know that means you’re in the mood.

2) She’s insecure

Women’s bodies fluctuate. That’s just the way it is. One week we’ve never been skinnier and the next week we’ve gained ten pounds. This unwelcome spontaneity tends to make us self-conscious. We want nothing more than to jump you and satisfy both of us, but if we don’t feel that we look our best we will be apprehensive about showing off our goods.

The FIX: Whenever you run into her coming out of the shower, make a nice comment, or just stare at her with a come hither look. Act like it’s making you miserable not to touch her. Regardless of how she feels she looks, this move will go a long way in showing her how YOU think she looks.

3) She’s depressed/anxious/sad

Emotions are a tricky thing for women AND men. When you’re single you can go out, grab a drink and make out to hide those feelings of sadness or worry. However, when you’re in a committed relationship it’s a bit harder to just go with the flow. Sex takes on a bigger meaning; it’s emotional. And when you are already dealing with emotions, sometimes the last thing you want to deal with is intimacy.

A lot of wives are nervous to talk about these types of feelings for fear of having their spouse worry about them. This leads to lack of communication, which then leads to a lack of sexual interest.

The FIX: Ask her questions and listen to, not only her answers, but also the way she answers. If she’s saying, “I feel” before several statements make sure you pay attention. Let her know that her emotional health and confidence is more important than sex. Once you establish that you’re genuinely concerned, she’ll be comfortable in her effort to rebalance emotionally.

(Sidenote: If your wife is exhibiting real signs of depression, encourage her to speak to someone. Sometimes talking to a stranger can be easier than talking to someone you love.)

4) She isn’t enjoying it

Don’t freak out; I know a lot of new couples that have gone through this. Medications, childbirth, trauma, etc. can all wreak havoc on a gal’s libido and they don’t necessarily have fun in the bedroom anymore. This isn’t a huge deal; couples get through this all the time and you can verify this by checking EVERY marriage forum on the Internet.

The problem only occurs when women feel as if saying something negative about your “performance” will make you will feel hurt. So they keep it quiet and it manifests in a lot of “I’m too tired” or “I’ve got to wake up early”.

The FIX: This can be avoided by staying in tune with your mate, AND being open and honest with each other about what you want. That is (or should be) the beauty of marriage; you can go crazy!

Some great articles to improve your sexual performance:

1) 6 fun ways to completely satisfy your lady in bed

2) How to be better at sex. Simple tips that don’t involve sex at all!

3) 8 sexual fantasies many women want fulfilled

4) How to become a multiorgasmic man

5) How to give a professional sensual massage

6) Why quitting porn might do the trick

5) She doesn’t like being vulnerable

Good sex is about vulnerability. However, some women are simply apprehensive about losing themselves during sex (women have been known to laugh, cry or instantly fall asleep after orgasm).

If a woman doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable in that way, she’ll eventually start dodging sex due to fear. This results in a lot of falsities in the bedroom (including the dreaded faked orgasm) and lifeless stiffness. They are reluctant to let sex overtake them, which results in a subpar sex life.

The FIX: Make sure she knows you respect her in the bedroom and make yourself a person she trusts. This should be established prior to “I love you” and wedding bands, but don’t worry if you didn’t sort that out; there’s nothing but time. Be vulnerable to her and she’ll reciprocate.

And Lastly [Bonus]

And for the best dating app for keeping sex in your long term relationship hot (seriously), check out 101 Nights by Laura Corn. It’s amazing.

In conclusion

Society has a problem with looking at married sex in a positive light and it’s time to throw that notion in the trash. Sex can be a really wonderful thing in a committed relationship. It can be stress relieving, comforting, adventurous and incredibly healthy for you. It’s also a keen way to discover more about your partner.

You have the chance to know someone in the most intimate way possible, take care of that responsibility and your wife will take care of you (if you know what I mean).


Additional Resources:

1) Web MD – Why Women Lose Interest in Sex

2) Support Forum – Advice for a Man Who’s Wife is no Longer Interested in Sex

3) Your Tango Video – Why is My Wife Not Interested in Sex & What Can I Do? (Great Advice – Watch Below)

20 COMMENTS

  1. Nice post and I totally agree with what you say. For my experience I guess that, since I work too much, my wife think that I always tired and so I have to throw some hint that say that I am in the mood for it.

  2. 3 to 4 times a year. Oral only, she is in menopause and intercourse is extremely painful. Irrelevant however, our sex life has been that sparse since son was born 20 years ago. And she is always depressed. Thyroid issue and synthroid worthless. Doesn’t matter. It’s been that sparse forever. Resigned to it. Truthfully, I would rather never have it than 3 or 4 times a year.

  3. Well I’m trying everything that you suggest and more but am not getting anywhere. We have two lovely boys 11 and 6 but the sex dried up pretty much as soon as we bought our first house 15 years ago. I really don’t know what to do anymore it’s effecting my sleep and I’m pretty miserable

  4. Bottom line fellas, marriage is not for most of us. Who in there right mind would want to spend their lives trying to figure out and understand women ? I’m an older guy, been around, so listen up, date them, get them in bed, even be romantic, but NEVER let yourself get attached and always treat them like the perpetual spoiled children they truly are.

    • Can’t agree more , was married twice . Alone now at 62 ,but happy ,
      Like T says , date them , get them in bed , go fishing ,dancing ,etc .
      Do not spoil the relationship by getting married or moving in together , what is when sex stops and arguments begin

  5. I got married 3years my wife is 5yrs younger than me from day one of my wedding till today iam tried many times and requested her to have sex but their is no interested I don’t know what to do my parents are getting old they are waiting for a good news I don’t want to divorce her as we like each other but when it comes to sex it is zero pls suggest me is their any solution or any medicine to improve sexual desires

    • Similar situation happened here. I now have two kids. Till now my woman when sober is never interested in sex. Try some romantic moments. Such as having few glasses of wine or whatever alcoholic drinks she prefer until there is a change in her mood. Once in bed then you try to kiss and caress to arouse her. There might be moments she might not get aroused so easily but it would give you opportunity to engage in sex to create that desire in her.

  6. Marriage… what a joke. Get out while you can. I wasted 15 years of my life in a sexless marriage…now I’m single, living in the Philippines, and dating several lovely ladies who are not hung up on superficial crap. Life is short gentlemen, enjoy it while you can!!!

    • I couldnt have said it better dave… however im still married in a sexless marriage. I get sex once every other month and when i do get… it has to last less than 5minutes, cause by then she is done and gets irritated. 90% of the time i want to do what you have done. But i stick around for my daughter… i grew up with no dad and it aint cool man. But happy for you dave…. great move buddy.

  7. YUP, they have about summed it up 29 years with 25 married. It pretty much stopped after marriage. Then revived when kids were desired. Body messages,HOT TUB,oils,candles,music,oral,sexy clothes,you name it, a waste of time. I always felt like it was too much work. Oh wait, she wanted it when there was a chick twenty five years younger was interested in me! Didn’t have a problem then. My mistake! And yes my friend will not even consider women in the us anymore, Philippines! DON’T GET MARRIED, DON’T GET MARRIED, DON’T GET MARRIED!

  8. I am a women. Nd i found this problem with my partner. He is too much boring. I did everything but he has no intrest in romanc and sex. And i cant leave him. It is a big prblm. I dont know what to do. I m 27 year old and he is 33. Our life is colourless.

    • Really Sorry to read that. That is no way for two people to be living their life. It might be best to talk to him about what you are thinking, if you can be sure that it will be safe to do so. If it is not safe to do so, then please get some people who can support you in talking to him about what is going on in your mind. Please also check out the book ‘Sex at Dawn’ By Christopher Ryan. This will give you some useful insights into why you are both feeling the way you are feeling. Hope this helps. Peace.

  9. I’ve been married 37 years, sex has always been great and frequent. Up until I got prostate cancer 6 years ago. Doctors told us use it or loose it. First 6 months after surgery we had sex several times a week. Since I can no longer ejaculate, it doesn’t please the wife. Prior to cancer, I never needed anything to get it up and keep it up. Now it requires pills, and effort on her part. She no longer cares enough to try. I’m in my mid 50’s and should have several more years ahead of me.
    Wife once justified her sisters affairs by saying the brother in law was impotent therefore the affair was ok. Wondering if this is the course she has decided to take.

  10. I think this post is a very feminine view and doesnt think about how it impacts men. Marriage is not one sided understanding which seems to be the untertone of this article, in my view its 2 people understanding each other. Sex is a significant part of attachment and bonding and this notion of one sided thinking seems to be unfair and untrue.
    What does such ‘lack of interest’ lead to ? Cheating ? Disconnect ? Finding the right person ? Divorce ?
    I just think its about understanding each other and not taking your partner for granted – be it a man or a women.

  11. What a load of bullcrap.

    Sometimes it can be that they just aren’t bothered.

    Sometimes they are screwing someone else.

    Either put out of get out is my motto

  12. I love my wife and I have no doubt she loves me. She takes such good care of me people look at me in disbelief when I tell them how good she is to me. One area she isn’t is sex. She has absolutely zero interest in sex no matter what I’ve done. I have gone so long that I have no interest in sex with her even if she suddenly became interested. That part of the relationship is over as far as I’m concerned. It’s strange but I love her dearly and wouldn’t ever cheat on her or leave her because of this. It’s almost like living with a sister.

  13. Jim D
    I believe from what some Ted Talks on marriage and sex that a declining sex life is normal to marriage, the person talking mentions 7% of married people have an active married sex life.
    This is where the work comes in, in the relationship.
    I can’t help think that a wife with no sex is actually becoming a mother relationship or room mate.
    I believe pushing boundaries in communication is key !

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