tying the knot

tying the knot

Right off the bat, a few of you are going to read that headline and make a bee line for the next sports article. Marriage, eww; entrapment, eww. Right? Yea, that must be why over half of the male population decides to do it every June (and every November for the southern gents). Obviously, marriage is an institution that many will probably enter at some point, whether underneath an Elvis mural in Vegas or in front of 200 guests and three types of wedding cakes. It would behoove any guy to know a bit about what to expect before you say ‘I do.’ And I can tell you that as a married woman I’ve watched my, much-older-than-me, husband struggle with several of these issues.

Here a few things you should know:

1) She comes with baggage that you will no doubt have to unpack in your marriage

Has she been perfect since the day you met her?

Then she’s either an imaginary person or she has been holding in her complex emotions like a balloon holds water and at some point… she’s going to burst. Everyone has a thing; it may be a secret, a complex or a hang-up but everyone has one. Marriage is going to elevate her emotions. Once you show love her enough to marry her she’ll undoubtedly let those shattered pieces of her fall one by one; be ready to tiptoe towards the broom.

2) Marriage will exacerbate your prior problems, not fix them

You know that fight you guys have all the time? The one that ends in make-up sex and playful comments about how mean you are?

Yea, okay that fight is going to become a war. Marriage makes everything way less cute. If you do see a fight that arises often, make sure you tack that issue down and deal with it.

3) You’re going to think she looks ugly sometimes

Can she wear the hell out of high heels and give Scarlett Johannson a run for her money?

Yea yea…she’s beautiful, but come one random Tuesday in the marital future you’re going to see a bad case of adult acne and a severe bought of bloating brought on by stress with a side of female depression. I don’t care if you live together and you’ve seen her with the flu in a cute silk nightie with a silly pout because she feels under the weather. Girls keep their appearance up to a certain level prior to the wedding day. Then a lot of wives tend to take on the mentality of “That bastard married me; he will see me at my worst or he won’t have me even at my most decent.” I said some women… only like 95% of them.

4) You can’t have your buddies stop by anytime

Do you love having your boy’s nights anytime you want and are your friends like drop-in roommates?

That carefree ship has sailed my friend. I mean, you can have them drop by anytime but you will face the wrath of a woman who just painted her nails, or who was hoping to have a quiet night in.

Why do women get so angry over this?

Two reasons:

A) They want to know that you respect them enough to tell them when someone is going to be in their home

B) Women take pride in being able to have a presentable living space and when you take away her ability to prepare pizza rolls, you take away her ability to make your friends think she’s awesome.

5) You’ll want to get divorced

Do you guys lounge around in the dark, post lovemaking, talking about how you’ll never fall out of love?

You will.

Probably about 50% of the time, you’ll wish you’d never engaged in the marital mambo; you’ll also start saying things like ‘marital mambo’ and it will be incredibly depressing.

Always give it a day or two and you’ll feel differently. Yes, 50% of the time you’ll want to run away screaming with a legal document and 50% of the time you’ll wonder why you didn’t marry her sooner.

6) Everyone will ask you about children, like immediately, at the reception

Are you guys not even thinking about children right now?

Tell that to your grandma.

Take it from someone in a childless marriage, the question ‘So when are you going to have kids?’ only comes up for married couples and it comes up about once a day. Go ahead and have an answer prepared; it will save you a lot of time.

7) You’ll get in a rut

Is she the most fun person in the world?

That will change. You know how in your single life you’ll be watching Netflix in your pajamas and suddenly realize you haven’t been out in a while, so you decide to take a shower and go out–then when you go out all you want to do is go back home, get in your pajamas, and watch Netflix?

Yea, Netflix is basically a wife. Without the desire to meet someone you’ll lose the added bonus of inadvertently having some laughs and drinks with friends. Don’t fall into this mindset. You’re at home with someone that you chose to spend your life with–enjoy it. Then go get ready and have a beer with your friends, sans flirting of course.

8) You’ll face more temptation than ever before

Once your married you’re totally off the market right?

Hmm, that depends on which market you are talking about.

Just because you have a ring on your finger doesn’t mean you won’t have to fight off the ladies left and right. Single women tend to find married men attractive; it’s a psychological thing. On the other hand, women tend to feel unappreciated in marriage and are susceptible to male attention (even if they never gave a hoot about it pre-wedding) so make sure you give your wife an abundance of compliments and attention.

9) Her problems will be your problems and they might be big

Is life going pretty good right now; all wander and no worry?

Marriage will fix that. After the honeymoon wears off, reality will set in and a wave of negative circumstances (called life) will shake up your happy home. Living isn’t easy, messy stuff comes up a lot. Maybe her dad will pass away, maybe she’ll get an illness or maybe she’ll get her dream job in another state. It’s more important to be supportive after you’re married because your decisions have more weight and connotations.

10) You’ll get the urge to have kids

Are you planning on being the type of couple that’s going to be the cool aunt and uncle forever?

Well, just know that the psychological effect known as the Hedonic Treadmill is heavily apparent in the marital world. It’s a big huge step and after the initial happiness, you will plummet back into the world of ‘so what’s next?’ You may even develop paternal inclinations in an attempt to fix the relationship. It’s not anyone’s place to say when or why you should have a child, it’s just important to be aware that those feelings will come.

Bonus: Honestly, marriage is pretty incredible

Are you terrified of tying the knot?

Don’t be. Most men who have put a lot of effort into their relationships will say it was the best choice they ever made. That’s not to say it’s an easy road and even with a heads up to all the ins and outs of matrimony there will still be some curveballs that shake up your outlook. Dedication is a rare thing in this world and being prepared to dedicate your life to someone is even more rare. Being open to marriage means being open to its trials and its perks.

3 COMMENTS

  1. This is a fantastic article…I laughed and cried my way through it. I have been married twice and now adore my singleness. Jo, you nailed it. Every single point.

    I look forward to reading more!

    Cheers,
    Catherine
    .

  2. Catherine, thanks for the kind words; I’m glad you enjoyed it. Marriage is honestly, the weirdest thing in the world–good and bad. Enjoy that single life!!

  3. Don’t do it is all I can say. Marriage in this day and age is a meaningless tradition, an unenforceable contract and a hopeless attempt to entwine your destiny with another human being, in a world that has changed so rapidly and dramatically to practically guarantee that you and your significant other will lose affection for each other, drift apart and be seduced by another relationship. The odds are so slim your relationship will stand the test of time, and the Divorce Courts are so brutal (especially if you have kids), that you are a fool to marry!

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