A Call for a New Sexual Revolution:
Many believe that Sex is supposed to be evicted from the business world.
This is particularly alive after the horrors that gave rise to #MeToo. The misbehavior of a few powerful people created a necessary movement against power abuse, intimidation, and non-consensual sexual contact.
However, I believe that the repression of sexual reality in the workplace will have the opposite effect and make things worse. When you tell people:” Don’t do A”. What do you think they will do?
Think about what happened in Victorian times where the sexual realm went below the surface where mistresses, orgies and dark figures like Marquis De Sade popped up.
The same effect can be seen when a government tries to squash substance abuse. During the prohibition, the Mafia rose to unseen heights and speakeasy bars supported a rise in alcoholism.
More recently, the failing war on drugs creates a similar effect. Weed, cocaine, and MDMA are being used so much that the remains of white lines can be found in European drinking water.
Repression clearly doesn’t work. But what do we need to do instead?
Replace repression with acceptance and education.
Portugal has shown what does work. In the ’80s the country was plagued with an epidemic of drug abuse. A whopping ten percent of the population was addicted to heroin, aids, guns, and overdoses terrorized the beautiful country.
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The government felt they were at the end of the rope that was strangling their country and put together a team of specialists.
They advised: Decriminalize drug use and use the funds for education and treatment.
The government followed and very soon the situation started to clear up: problematic drug use, HIV and hepatitis infection rates, overdose deaths, drug-related crime, and incarceration rates dropped to unseen levels.
I believe that what works with drug abuse, can also work with sexual abuse.
So I call for a second sexual revolution: The full acceptance of the reality of sexual reality.
Yes, sex is everywhere. Porn is a billion dollar industry. Sexual imagery is used to sell everything from clothes to cars.
But in reality, sex is still regarded as something outside of “normal life”. And for sure outside of the business world.
Yes, there is sex ed but generally, all that is talked about is reproduction and how to avoid it.
But how to create desire, surrender to the moment and mutual exploration is NOT taught. Regarding business, sports, health, and art. We invest in self-development.
But in our love lives: “It all should take care of itself”. And that shows: Many women have difficulties with enjoying sex and having an orgasm. Many men suffer from premature ejaculation, impotence, and porn addiction.
What is more, both genders have difficulties in keeping mutual attraction and satisfaction alive in committed love relationships alive.
One major cause of this is that erotic literacy, exploration, skills, and mastery are still highly underdeveloped. Often, talks don’t go further to locker room bragging or complaining to your friends.
In other words, people speak about sex all the time but they rarely TALK. And that is often a recipe for disaster.
And I was such a disaster. Even though I always broadcasted to the world that I was a sexual able and liberated man, I failed to open my mouth when it counted.
Since age 13, I studied sexual technique, trained my erotic skillset and trained my mind to connect deeply. I love to experiment and talk about all that I read about: Tantra, BDSM, squirting, anal play, erotic asphyxiation,… You name it and I tried it. Or so I thought.
But then I fell in love with the first woman that opened my eyes. This extremely attractive woman had a much higher level of experience. And even though I find it difficult to admit: I was intimidated by her.
And when I saw that my normal way of doing things was met with resistance: I felt like a loser. And when she tried to please me, she was also shocked that “it didn’t work”.
And we got stuck in a rut. From the moment I found something “that did the trick”, I held on to that and did what I now advise my clients NEVER to do:
I stopped playing with her
I guided us back into the only thing I found that worked. Gone was all my creativity, gone was my experimentation and the only thing that remained was a feeling of inadequacy that I repressed.
And when she wanted to take over and pleasure me. I shut off and nonverbally rejected her by reacting like a corpse. For both of us, this created a lot of pain. We loved each other deeply but both felt like a failure, longing for more.
Because I was too scared to admit that I felt like a loser in her bed.
And to make things worse, I started to look for my erotic validation in the arms of others. Off course, the guilt and shame created even more tension in my body and worsened our erotic connection even more.
Who knows how fulfilling our relationship could have become if we both would have opened up.
But we didn’t.
And so don’t do many couples.
And thus, many people are walking around sexually frustrated, insecure and powerless. If people then come to power in the business world, this is not an ideal situation.
First of all, because having success is often attractive to women. Yes, hypergamy is a fact. Women fall for men that are on a similar or higher level on the socioeconomic ladder. But, what many men don’t realize is that this is far from enough. It is just a sign that he is a man with a direction that is going somewhere.
But if your behavior is still like that of a 14y old boy, that attraction will evaporate faster then you can fart. And this leaves many men very frustrated. They worked so hard to get to where they are and now: It was not enough.
It is a travesty that feelings and groins have to be kept out of normal life. We are emotional and sexual beings. Face it. The underlying judgment and repression of sex, creates secrets and a place for abuse to appear.
I ask that we create space for consensual romantic contacts. Let’s accept the reality that attraction, emotions, and sex can and should not be avoided in any area of life.
Instead of just nailing people to the cross for sending messages with juvenile remarks, let’s invest in deeper education.
Many men have no idea how to express their desire for a woman without insulting or boring her. And sadly enough, many women never learned to clearly say NO.
We could learn a lot from our homosexual friends. There it is accepted that you can walk up to someone and express your desire to have sex. It is just as accepted when you say NO; Or YES.
That last thing is important. If women are able and not judged to say YES, research has shown the chances that they get raped diminish greatly. When you are not afraid and able to express what you want, it seems easier to say what you don’t.
When men learn to awaken a woman’s desire and express their interest in an inspiring way, men will be much less inclined to resort back to abuse. The subculture of pick-up artistry has gotten a bad rep for losers who use tricks to manipulate women in sleeping with them. But the best in the business teach men what women need and become more masterful as a lover and communicator.
But also women could use help to become clear about their wants, desires, and boundaries, how to express them and to get the love and sex life they deserve.
Let’s create a second wave of sexual liberation towards more pleasure, satisfaction and the demise of abuse.