In these modern times, our whole lives revolve around the play of power. Every aspect of our lives is a competition and our sex life is not an exception. When entering bed with our partner we have a feeling that we need to conquer, to show who’s the boss. In other words, our sex life turns into some kind of job where we have to play a certain role.
Performance anxiety may strike anyone. Performance anxiety with a new partner is quite common for example. But it can happen in established relationships too.
By the law of masculinity, there are performance skills we need to accomplish in order to get ‛points’: how good are we in bed, how long we lasted, what our partner thought of our performance? These questions have a deep root in our mindset, spread by the media everywhere we look, from men’s magazines to watching porn.
It’s no wonder we feel an enormous pressure every time we need to step inside the bedroom. Always worrying about these ‛exams’ we need to pass we have become performance-driven, concentrated on orgasm as a goal and we completely forgot about sexual enjoyment, pleasure, and intimacy.
Afraid we’re gonna be judged, we create expectations we can’t achieve. But the point is that these expectations are not just too big, but they don’t really matter. Here are some tips how to get back to the very nature of sex: pleasure enjoyed by two people.
Before you start looking for sexual performance anxiety treatment have a look at this article first, it will give you step by step instructions on how to overcome performance anxiety in bed in no time.
1) Name The Monster Under The Bed
The first thing you need to do to free yourself from the pressure is to find out the cause. Have you asked yourself what anxiety really is? Many consider it as an enemy that has infiltrated our personal lives but it’s actually just our body’s warning system that enables the protection in response to threats in dangerous and hostile situations. It is an organic alert inside of us focused on our well-being.
Although it sounds like a good thing, the problem appears when that ‛threat’ has been created artificially by no other than ourselves. Then, it becomes a pattern that is more like a nuisance than it helps.
When we fall into this pattern we tend to recreate negative sexual experiences in our head. No matter if this happens before, during, or after sex, it will certainly recreate the products of those negative experiences such as frustration, embarrassment, shame, and guilt that will increase the already present pain and trauma.
This way, we shatter our sexual confidence and self-esteem and start to believe all these threats we manufactured in our heads are real. We start to believe we actually do have a problem and that becomes the initial thought at the very start of the next sexual opportunity. In many cases, it can even result in a loss of an erection.
If we jump to conclusions, ejaculation might as well jump ahead. The best way to get out of this enchanted circle is to gather up your courage and talk to your partner about these fears.
If you chase ‛the monster’ from under the bed into daylight it will be easier to confront it. Then it wouldn’t be just something in your mind but now your partner will be aware of it and could tell you if your fears are based in reality. Usually, it turns out that the monster is not at all scary as it seems.
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2) Call to Arms
Now that you’ve brought your fears into daylight it’s time to confront them. It’s not enough just to say ‛okay, they’re not real’, but you need to discover why you thought they are and to make sure they don’t become real ever again.
If you allow the monster to crawl under the bed again you’re actually repressing your fears, allowing them to return inside you, this time much deeper. You have to slay the beast right now because the chance of seeing it again is very likely if you won’t.
3) Know Where to Strike
We have already said that the problem is created in your own mind. It is a number of various entangled feelings that are originally there to help your well-being. In order to separate negative feelings from the others you actually need, you have to listen to all of them.
Again, remember that anxiety is an alert, think of your body and mind as a damaged ship and the first thing you have to do is to evaluate the damage. Where has the breach happened?
Is it sexual stamina, erectile function? Maybe the problem is the object of desire or maybe you don’t want to have sex at all at this point. It’s very important to realize is it about what your partner wants or about what you want.
4) It’s not a Quest, it’s a Journey
I think we can agree up to this point it’s not about killing your feelings and getting along with it. The simple reason is that there is no destination. Of course, the climax is important, but the main pleasure is the journey you take with your partner.
Sex is not a linear process and there is no strict order in which things have to happen. It’s not a list of to-do’s, like oral sex – penetration – climax for partner – orgasm. Doing things this way can make the experience repetitive, boring and predictable and one of the most arousing things is the element of surprise.
And above all, it’s not a race. The best exercise is to try to slow it down, pay attention to the smallest reaction from your partner. Get to know her body and you’ll get an insight into her deepest desires. Tantric sex can be a very helpful technique that’s easy to learn and that can produce really good results.
MORE: The Secrets of Tantric Sex
5) Make Allies
Another wrong thing that this ‛masculine world’ teaches us is that we can do everything on our own. No matter how big the problem is, if we’re man enough, we can handle it. Well, that’s just a bunch of B.S. that will take you nowhere. We already saw how helpful can it be to talk to your partner.
But sometimes the problem is too big just for your partner and then it’s time to find some professional help. Every ghost has its ghostbuster. Going to a professional therapist is not an act of surrender and it’s not something you should be ashamed of. Consider it as an opportunity to acquire better weapons in your battle.
You can always find a right and experienced men’s health clinic that will help you find your anxiety’s weak spots and equip you with techniques for certain victory. Why should you go to battle on your own when you can make powerful allies?
6) Good Swordsman, Wise Ruler
Remember, every sexual journey you take is your own. You are in control, as a ruler of that land of pleasure, which means that every obstacle is also a product of your own mind. Instead of getting around those obstacles you need to face them because they’re just a brain pattern that will wait for you at the next corner.
Take your time to fully experience the journey and always keep your partner’s hand in yours. Make allies and be smart. It’s good to be an experienced swordsman with a good body technique, but being a wise ruler of your mind turns your bedroom into the playground for pleasure.
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