This is a post written by Jordan Harbinger, creator of The Art of Charm. Jordan is an expert in social dynamics, dating & relationships and we were pretty stoked when he contacted us wanting to write a piece for MenProvement. So sit back, and take notes – because this article could change your life.
Sex Lessons You Never Learned in High School Sex Ed
Did you take sex ed? I did, and so did a lot of the other guys at The Art of Charm. I can’t speak for them, but it was generally the most awkward and weird 45 minutes of my life when I was in high school.
I mean, seriously, what could be worse than listening to the gym teacher use words like “genitals.” Really.
It’s not that I’m opposed to the idea of sex ed. It’s just that I don’t think it teaches people things they need to know. Think back to 8th, 9th, 10th grade sex ed: What did you learn? Do you even remember? Isn’t sex ed basically a glorified, specialized and incredibly uncomfortable version of human anatomy? And is that what sex is really about?
Of course not. Sex isn’t just about human anatomy anymore than it’s just about (preferably) two people getting off. So as I thought about all this, I decided to sit down and make a list of things I never learned in sex ed and you probably never learned in sex ed that we both probably should have.
Hopefully you find this article helpful, but either way, pass it along to your younger brother before he heads off to college.
It’s About the Journey, Not the Destination
Here’s a cruel trick that evolution played on all of us: The male orgasm is necessary for reproduction and more or less ends sex. The female orgasm is not necessary for reproduction, but she can have ten to your one (which is kind of unfair, am I right?) and still keep going.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the act of sex it’s that you need to get lost in it and not worry so much about crossing the finish line. Don’t worry, tiger — you’ll get there; But she might not. And while that sort of thing is bound to happen from time to time, if you can be the kind of guy who rings her bell more times than not, you’re going to be head and shoulders above the rest of the pack.
How do you make that happen?
Not all women are the same, especially when it comes to what they like. So look at it as exploratory play. Exploratory in the sense that you’re looking to find out the things that she likes best. Playful in the sense that you’re enjoying this for it’s own sake. Again, it’s about the journey, not the destination.
A last point on this matter: Don’t be afraid to straight up ask her what she likes and what she doesn’t. Especially when you’re having sexy time, this can be a lot of fun.
Sex Isn’t Your Measure As a Man
A lot of men sometimes have trouble performing, either due to anxiety, exhaustion or intoxication…
So I’m told. This has obviously never happened to me.
More than that, there’s the question we discuss above about how “good” you are at sex. But here’s the thing: While you certainly want to be pleasuring her as much as you’re being pleasured, it’s not the measure of who you are as a man.
First of all, sexual prowess is a skill and like any other skill, it can be learned over time. Remember what we say about being playful and exploratory, as well as open and honest? Trust me when I say that it’s going to matter a lot to your girl that you spend time trying to figure out what she’s into.
But more than that, remember that sex isn’t the ultimate measure of you as a man. You shouldn’t feel like you’re competing against every man that she’s ever been with, because you’re not.
One thing about women is that while they often aren’t into you because of sex, they’re having sex with you because they’re into you. Do what you can to figure out what she likes in bed, but don’t stress too hard over it. (see what we did there?)
Men and Women Have Very Different Sexual Experiences
Honestly, they day they pulled all the girls out of class to watch a movie without you was probably more illustrative of human sexuality than all of sex ed. What do I mean by that? Mostly that male and female sexuality are quite different, something that I’ve discussed a bit above and that we talk about all the time on The Art of Charm Podcast.
Sure, everyone is a little different. Some women are “more like men” in their sexuality and some men are “more like women.” But an outlier doesn’t make general trends not exist anymore than a 6’6” woman means that most men are taller than most women. You already know that men and women are different in other ways — why would you expect them to be the same with regard to sexuality?
This underscores the importance of talking to women openly and honestly about what they like, as well as trying to figure it out on your own through the type of playful experimentation we discussed above. (That’s the fun part, by the way.)
You Will Have Mind-Blowing Sex With People You’re In Love With
Listen, while sex might not be the reason the two of you are together, one thing is certain: If you’re with someone and you have this unbelievable connection, the two of you are going to have mind-blowing sex. Mind-altering even. The kind of sex that leaves you wondering what the hell you’ve been calling “sex” up until this point in your life.
This is why when sexual relationships cool, it often means there’s a downturn in the relationship as a whole. And while every time you have sex it isn’t going to be this insane, sublime, transformative experience (maintenance sex is definitely a thing), a lot of the time it will be.
It’s not even so much that you’re doing something or that she’s doing something else. It’s just that the two of you know each other so well and vibe so well together that there’s no other way to do it.
When you have that experience, it will be so powerful that you’ll know: There’s just something about her and it’s nothing to do with sex.
If you liked what Jordan had to say, & you’re interested in The Art of Charm residential programs, apply for a strategy call with a coach today.