Has your lover ever faked an orgasm? And if she had, how would you know? Up to 80% of women fake it, according to a study from the University of Central Lancashire. What does this tell us? A whole lot of men are making some big mistakes in bed that are leaving their partners unsatisfied. What’s more, often us men have no idea that this is even happening! Read on to see if you’re making any of these common sexual faults and learn what you can do to turn those faked orgasms into real ones.
Mistake #1: Not Enough Foreplay
Do you see foreplay as an entrée: something that can be skipped in favour of the main (inter)course? If so, you are probably shooting yourself in the foot! Researchers from the University of Kansas showed that most women see foreplay as the most important part of the sexual experience and would like to be receiving more of it from their partners.
Most of the men, on the other hand, rated full-blown sex as the be all and end all. In other words, men are making a big mistake when they dive straight into penetrative love-making, rather than investing time and energy into proper foreplay!
Remember, sex is about more than just physical pleasure: it’s about intimacy. Through quality foreplay, you’re sending out the message that you value her and are willing to prioritize her needs for pleasure and closeness. Beyond that, foreplay causes a burst of the love hormone oxytocin – in both women and men. This means that both of you will be left feeling safer together and more in love – important foundations for spectacular sex.
Mistake #2: Holding On When You Can’t Anymore
As men, we are hard-wired to orgasm before women, who often need more time to become fully turned-on and into the swing of things. This means that we may find ourselves moments away from finishing only to notice with dismay that our partner isn’t quite there. What happens next?
One common mistake is to try doing everything in your power to hold on past the point of no return. In trying to stop the inevitable, lots of men become tense and disconnected. Some of us will shut our eyes, tighten our bodies, and imagine that we’re having tea with our grandparents – anything to extend the moment.
Some people become awkwardly ashamed and overly apologetic; and some of us become overly concerned about this happening again, which leads us to change how we behave in bed more generally. For example, you might become nervous before sex, trying to stop your partner from connecting with you and stimulating you sexually, because you worry that this might make you finish too soon.
What’s the problem with this sort of behavior? Firstly, it doesn’t help prolong your orgasm and can even make the problem worse. Secondly, you think your partner won’t notice how tense you are and that this won’t affect her? Think again – sex is the most intimate experience we can have – you are literally inside your partner’s body! What this means is that your anxiety can make your partner feel equally uncomfortable, self-conscious, and inhibited in the bedroom.
By trying to hold on when you can’t anymore – and by becoming overly apologetic about it – you are likely turning sex into an awkward, uncomfortable, and short-lived experience. The good news is that there are many tried and tested ways of managing these sorts of sexual issues; and that you don’t need to resort to mechanical behavior or thoughts of your grandmother in order to last longer in bed!
Mistake #3: Predictability
Just because it worked once, it doesn’t mean that she’s craving the same thing next time around. The parts of your partner’s body that will respond best to sex change according to their mood and hormonal cycles, so it’s best to stay creative and try something new every now and again.
Apart from that: if she can always predict what we’re going to do in bed, this can make for a tedious and unstimulating sex life. Don’t let love-making become a mechanistic chore – we’re not talking about preparing dinner or brushing your teeth here!
If you want to branch out and make your sex life more exciting, don’t be afraid to be adventurous! This might involve trying new sex positions, different types of foreplay, and being more spontaneous in terms of when and where you choose to have sex. Being attentive or romantic in non-physical ways can also make things more exciting – think surprise dinners, flowers, chocolates, and bubbly. Finally, when you’re trying new things remember to check-in with your partner to see how she’s responding – use her as your guide to what is working and what isn’t.
Mistake #4: Keeping Quiet
Some men choose to stay silent when it comes to sex. This might happen if we feel awkward, if we haven’t had a chance to develop a vocabulary about our sex-lives, or if we’re simply out of touch with what’s happening in our bodies. But this is a mistake: when it comes to a healthy sex life, communication is key!
One study has shown that more sexual communication equals a more satisfying sex life and a stronger relationship. Not only does speaking up make it easier for each of you to have a sense of what makes each of you tick, communication helps you to feel more in-tune with one-another. Staying silent is a mistake because this can cause your partner to feel disconnected from you. She may also assume that you’re uninterested or not enjoying the experience!
How can you communicate more in the bedroom? While you’re having sex, be sure to give her feedback – verbal and non-verbal – about how you’re feeling, what feels good, and what you want more or less of! What about when you’re not in the bedroom? It can be very empowering for couples to have a frank conversation about their sex-lives. This is also gives us a deeper understanding of what our partner enjoys and how the experience can be made more exciting and fulfilling for both you.
Everyone messes up from time-to-time: we’re only human, after all. But the statistics show that our partners would rather not hurt our feelings by telling us what we’re doing wrong. Instead, they might be faking it and allowing mistakes in the bedroom to continue. It’s important, then, that us men avoid these sorts of common blunders in bed!
This means that we can no longer afford to be committing the sexual sins discussed in this article anymore. Rather, invest in good foreplay, try new things in bed, communicate openly about your sex-life, and make sure you find ways of lasting longer in bed that don’t involve stiffening up and becoming awkward!
Beyond this: make sure that you’re responsive to your partner’s needs, so that you can avoid making any other mistakes that might be a turn-off for her especially. We can do this by letting her know that we welcome constructive feedback. It’s easy to become defensive, but we rather want to show her that we’re able to take criticism on board without nursing a bruised ego. This sort of communication and openness is the key to developing the sort of trust, connection, and sexual intimacy that dreams are made of.
About the author
Daniel Sher is a registered clinical psychologist, practicing in Cape Town South Africa. He serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples experiencing premature ejaculation.