Dude. It’s a trap.
Seriously – don’t be fooled.
And before the guy who is happily married to or dating the woman of his dreams writes in and says, “I met my girl through a set-up date,” let me just head you off at the pass and call you the Great Exception.
(okay – is he gone now? All right. Let’s continue…)
Ninety-Five percent* of the time the set up date is a train wreck.
Don’t believe me? Read on.
There are a lot of different ways to meet new women. Every time you leave the house is an opportunity to meet someone new (and I will cover THAT in detail in another article) but for now Sean has a great newbies guide to picking up girls.
But these days there are tons of ways to find somebody new – there’s online, at work, school or classes, there’s paid services and match-making websites…there’s, well, you name it.
Soo…Ever had a buddy want to set you up with someone? Or a girl you know has a friend you “will totally hit it off with”?
I bet you either have – or will have – had someone attempt this well-meant attempt at helping you out.
It’s usually a frickin’ disaster – but it doesn’t have to be. You have to know how to handle all of the social dynamics of this delicate, exciting situation.
One of my favorite ways to meet women is through friends, and my social groups.
When done properly, you have the chance to impress – and be impressed by – lots of quality women. And you have the added benefit of “social proof” – everybody already knows somebody in the group and by proxy everyone is already checked out and “ok”.
But be warned my starry-eyed adventurer – there are many ways this can go totally wrong when you let your well-meaning friends set you up.
Worst set-up scenario ever?
This is especially disastrous. Your buddy and his girlfriend, for example, are going to set you up.
When a couple has “the perfect girl for you” you either have to say “No” and head for the hills, or know how to handle it properly. There’s no in-between.
You know this situation – The one where your buddy says, “Hey, my wife/girlfriend has a friend that you should go out with – I’ll totally set you up. We can double-date.”
Hmmmm. You haven’t dated in a bit. Or maybe you’re dating lots of girls, and another one is intriguing. Either way, this sounds like a good deal on the surface.
How we think it will be: You don’t have to go out looking for women. Your buddy assures you she’s hot and cool. And you’ll have another couple there with you to help break the ice and keep things moving.
On paper this looks good, but it’s a one-way-ticket to a nightmare.
Let me break it all down for you.
First and foremost – what is the mindset of someone who is setting you up, anyway?
You have this “couple” who are all lovey-dovey. They may not be spending as much time with their friends as they used to because they have “each other” now.
Couple mindset: Wouldn’t it be great if their friends were dating too, so we could all hang out?
If you think about it – this isn’t necessarily an idea with just your benefit in mind. There’s at least some selfish motive.
Picture it. Can’t you just see them sitting around on the couch going, “You know who would make a great couple….?!” And your name comes up.
And truth be told – what kind of people do we usually look to “set up” anyway?
Aren’t we the least bit concerned that our single friend(s) may never get a date? Or what about that girl we know who never seems to have a boyfriend. Hmmmm…..why is that?
As a first thought – when I think about a girl I’m to be set up with: Maybe there’s a good reason she doesn’t have any men around.
So keep this in mind: it’s you or her that they look at as desperate, lonely and in need of assistance in the dating department.
Either way, this is not good.
If it’s the set-up girl our cute little couple feels sorry for – well, then, she’s probably not that much of a prize to begin with. Do you ever think to help out a buddy, with a date for example, who seems to be doing great with women? Our fun, exciting and sexy friends rarely elicit our pity.
Of course it could be YOU they feel needs some help – how is this going to make you look to the girl they have in mind for you?
They may as well say, “Hey…we have this friend. Poor guy never gets any dates. Do us a favor and just go out with him, would you? We’ll go with you so you’re never alone with him….” Etc.
Not as attractive an offer if you look at it this way, now is it?
But that’s not all. We’re just getting started.
Have you ever actually been on one of these “couple dates” with a girl you’ve been set up with?
Dude. Seriously. Shoot me in the head.
If you have – then you know. If you haven’t – dig this:
The established couple loooooves to see their matchmaking skills in effect. They are so proud of themselves. Let’s get them a trophy.
The worst part is, they are constantly watching your every move – everything you say. The spotlight is on and your “performance” is being judged.
It sucks the best part of any first date right into a vast vortex of hell somewhere under New Jersey. It’s a lot of pressure that takes away from the spontaneous nature of things.
And if you really are interested in this girl, you have no wiggle room whatsoever to really work your magic and go for it. The kind of magic you can learn in my “Perfect Date” audio training.
How is this date going to end? Awkwardly is how.
It’s not like there’s going to be group sex – somebody will get dropped off and there might be a handshake.
And of course let’s not forget the time and money you will spend on the evening’s activities.
I mean, what if you don’t even like her right out of the box? Or she obviously is not into you from “hello”. Then what do you do? You’re heading out on this double-date. You kinda have to go through with it at this point, don’t you?
There’s a million scenarios that can play out, and very few of them are good for you.
AVOID THE TRAP:
So, if you aren’t terrified yet – you should be. But – you don’t have to be. That’s why I’m here. Let me help.
Back to square one: There you are, enjoying your life – such as it is – coming home from the gym, listening to sports radio and just trying to get through the god damned day. And the phone rings.
It’s your buddy. Or a girl that’s a friend. Or your sister. Whoever it is – and God bless ‘em – they have great news. Boy, do they have a girl for you!
First things first. Do you want to meet someone new right now?
Well – do you?
Not everybody does.
You will have your reasons – and it’s not only OK to politely say “no thanks” but it highly recommend it – like, come over to your house and hit you on the head recommend it.
That’s if, of course, if you don’t want or need any new women in your life.
But unless you are locked-down and unavailable (and why would they have called you if you were?) then let’s say you DO want to meet someone new. Now is a good time. A great time. I’m gonna die if I spend-another-weekend-alone kind of time.
What I like to do – instead – when I have a friend or a couple that has “the girl for me” is never, ever agree to a set up, double-date.
Instead – I tell my buddy, “Look – if she’s really into going out, gimme her number and I’ll give her call”
Tell him, “See if she’s cool with you giving me her number, and I’ll call her”.
This is a great move for a couple reasons, not the least of which is I know it works great.
First – if she was the least bit “coerced” into this set up, this gives her an out – and you won’t be stuck out there with someone who just wants the night to end.
Second – if she’s adventurous and fun, she’ll give up her number. And you calling her shows you aren’t some meek, dateless schlub with no social skills.
And the best part of all is you can use one of the basic skills of dating – the priming date. The priming date is something I go into great detail explaining here.
Dinner dates, double-dates, movie-dates – all of the so-called traditional first date stuff is really NOT what you want to do.
But in general, you can call this girl – have her meet you for coffee on a Sunday afternoon for 20 or 30 minutes and see if you two even like each other.
Without spending a lot of time or money.
If there is some chemistry – then – and only then – do you escalate to a “date” and other activity. And all without the watchful eyes of your friends, or worse yet – the couple.
And the best part of all is you get to keep your friends. You won’t be seen as a jerk because you simply took the rational, practical approach of calling and getting to know somebody – first.
If you think about it – that should come first. Accepting and going on the blind date or the set-up date is putting the cart before the horse. And that’s why it’s always a nightmare and never works (except for that one guy getting ready to email us and tell me I’m wrong – just ignore that guy).
So while there is nothing wrong with your friends and your couple friends as a source for meeting new women – you have to quickly take control of the situation and not get headed down a road of destruction.
Think of it as just another way to meet women. You would take the lead meeting someone at the library, on OK Cupid, or at a bar. So the same goes for your social circle – it’s just one of many ways to enhance your chances of meeting lots of girls in lots of different ways.
And now you know how to use that source when they come to you with the set-up.
· Decide if you are want to meet someone new
· See if it’s okay for your well-meaning friend to give you the girl’s number
· Call her.
Be fun on the phone. “Hey Jessica – thanks for your number. Apparently you are the perfect woman for me – so of course I was intrigued…haha. Seriously, I know a great place for coffee that we could meet for a few minutes and see if our friends know what they’re talking about….”
Use a non-date day/time. Sunday afternoon, for example.
You’ve just put yourself and her at-ease. No pressure, it’s just coffee. For a half hour. You can do that. She can do that.
Even if you two hate each other from hello – it still beats the endless ride into the abyss you would be taking by accepting a blind date or that device of Satan himself: the set-up double date.
Got any horrible set-up/blind date stories? Share in the comments!
Okay – good set up stories too. Just this once.
*statistic made up on-the-spot