Hey guys – for those of you who don’t know who I am, my name is John Cooper. I’ve been in the dating industry for over 10 years, coaching hundreds of men and meeting thousands of women.
I’ve even created my own philosophy, creating a more sustainable and effective way to get better with women that the current pickup artist mentality provides.
The point is, yes – I am now at a place where I am very comfortable interacting with women.
But it wasn’t always this way!
Like any journey of improvement I have made lots of mistakes. But there are 5 that stick out more than the others and that I see pretty much every one of my students making.
So here they are, the 5 biggest mistakes I made while learning how to be better with women.
And if you’re guilty of any of these mistakes let us know in the comments below!
1: Stop making women your sole objective!
If you are inviting women into your world in a playful way, good for you. That’s attractive.
The problem comes when you start going out just to “get” women from a place of lack. You will most probably rationalize why this is a healthy proactive thing to do. You’re an “action” taker right?
Well, you might be surprised to find out that this way of behaving can be more damaging than productive.
For any man to be on a healthy path he must be on his life purpose, and this is the primary focus of his life. Women are not his primary purpose, however they are welcomed into his life to join his journey towards his life purpose.
If you make women your sole purpose, you instantly abdicate your life’s purpose and lose any appeal from women. As much as women might ask you to give them more of your focus they secretly don’t want you to give in. Because if you can’t even honor the most important aspect of your life, how can you be trusted to look after her?
Even when you are walking down the street, or socializing in a bar, your sense of power and reward comes from who you are, and where you’re going in life and how you’re able to be comfortable in your own skin and enjoy your own company. This trickles down into your interactions with people and gives off a totally different vibe.
2: Stop bragging about your sexual conquests!
Do you think George Clooney or Brad Pitt have ever felt the need to brag to their friends about all the girls they sleep with?
Of course not. Bragging is a subtle sign that you didn’t feel worthy of it and are now basking in the amazement of attaining it.
As Margaret Thatcher said “Power is like being a lady, if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” Likewise, If you’re having to tell people you are good with women, you aren’t.
If you’re not working to become internally validated, you will need other people’s validation and attention to prop yourself up.
Despite what our narcissistic-behaviour-rewarding modern society will tell you, you can be fulfilled without the constant validation of others.
How do you achieve this?
Focus your awareness within. When you feel the urge to tell your friends about the cute girl you just hooked up with, watch the feeling and recognize it for the insecurity it is. Instead of getting others to validate you, take back control and channel it as silent power.
That silent power is your self-esteem. It’s a quiet confidence that resides within
As you learn to channel the dopamine highs into silent power, you will also be able to draw upon this reservoir of strength in your low moments.
Moving through the world, you do not have to feed upon the temporary crumbs of bragging and external validation.
You are moving towards being a high-self esteemed and powerful creator.
3: Stop taking socializing so seriously!
If you go out to bars and clubs like it’s a military operation to meet girls, then you’re doing it all wrong.
Why do people go to bars and clubs?
To unwind, have fun and as a side effect you meet people! So when you go out with the sole intention to try and control interactions, as if it’s a job to do – you’re out of tune with the playful vibe of the environment. (And you’ll look creepy).
Drop the work-frame of result orientation. This only creates a win/lose transactional mindset. Instead, try seeing the bar or club as your playground where you can create whatever you want. Get back in touch with your childlike creativity and playfulness.
From this place, there is no approaching, or rejection. There are no goals that need to be hit. You are simply playing and spreading a web of energy around the venue. Those that wish to play with you, do so. Those that choose not to play with you, miss out.
Can you see how infinitely more powerful and effortless that is?
4: Stop judging yourself based on results with women!
If you find yourself getting a spike in confidence when you get a girls’ number but get deflated when a girl doesn’t text you back. This is for you.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling good about meeting a girl. But if you find yourself relying on the spike in validation it brings and feeling the urge to brag to your friends about her, then it might be a sign that you’re not coming from an autonomous place.
Another glaring sign is, if a girl “rejects”you or doesn’t answer your texts, if you feel a painful sting of inadequacy in your heart and gut.
If you are emotionally complete and self-accepting, nobody’s rejection of you has a major effect on you. Because you are the source of your own acceptance.
This is where you want to be dating women from. You can enjoy each other’s company while not needing each other for unmet needs. Think of it like overlapping circles rather than two half shells coming together to form a whole.
5: Stop using creepy language!
We all talk to ourselves, we all talk about things in a particular way. But when it comes to meeting women and sleeping with them, the modern “pick up” culture has invented a peculiar language.
The origins of the pick up artist mentality traces back to early pioneers who created sales and military-inspired language that created a predator and prey dynamic between men and women.
This sales-based and left-brained way of seeing the social world stemmed from men with personality disorders such as aspergers (mild autism), that meant they didn’t understand emotional nuances. To compensate they created a logical framework whereby they could predictably manipulate girls behavior by following a structured mental formula.
The problem with following this structure of behavior and language where you call women your “target” or your friend a “wingman”, comes when you start to identify with this robotic emotionless way of seeing the world.
“Here’s the thing. This is not normal language gentlemen! This is military language. This is going to bloody WAR!” Game Over
Yes, you can occasionally “get” women with this predator-prey way of thinking but is it healthy in the long run? I would argue seeing women as “targets” to get sexual “results” from is highly damaging to your psyche long term. There is danger of developing a mistrust of women that borders on hatred. Cognitive dissonance can also develop as you want to maintain total control over your female sexual “targets” of seduction, while you feel a longing to connect emotionally and open up to them.
The truth is, this need to control and take from women is a deeply insecure way to interact with women.
If you want a healthy relationship with women you must change your language. As your language changes so does your behavior.
To be great with women you must remember women are your teammates not the opposition. (And certainly not the enemy you need to defeat!)
Conclusion: How to be Better With Women
Learning how to be better with women is a long journey, so don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
Remember these 5 and watch yourself when you are out interacting with people. If you find yourself doing any of these, just autocorrect and don’t sweat it. Again, it’s a long journey, and a fun one. So go out and enjoy it!
For more resources on how to get better with women go here. Catch you guys next time.